Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child’s Heart
A guest post by Taylor Buzzard:
I’m back.
Thank you for all of the encouraging comments that you left in response to my first post. I will now, as promised, offer some thoughts on Tedd Tripp’s must-read parenting book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart. When I read this book last month, I didn’t read it with the possibility in mind of writing an article. So this afternoon I went back through the book, checking out what I had underlined, and creating a list of possible points to highlight. Well, this speedy perusal left me even further convinced of the excellence of this book!
The amount of truth and challenging instruction that Tripp was able to pack into his small book is simply impressive. Please do not make the mistake of taking this brief article as a replacement for reading the book. If you are a parent, a grandparent, or are in any way involved in caring for children, get your hands on this book. Below, I am going to hit on my Top Ten Takeaways. Please comment if you would like to offer further insight or possible critique of the points that I found most helpful and convicting—and definitely share your own takeaways from the book.
Top Ten Takeaways from Shepherding a Child’s Heart:
1. We have authority over our children as representatives of God. We direct our children on God’s behalf for their good—not from a power trip mentality or because “I told you so”, but because of God’s authority over our children’s lives and our own lives. Our tendency as parents is to shrink away from this responsibility to be the authority over our children’s lives. We are easily fooled into believing the world’s lie that to be an authority is to be unloving or unjust. And, in the short term, neglecting this responsibility is certainly easier and less demanding of our time and energy.
2. There is a high cost to parenting well. Our homes might not be as beautiful. Our careers might not be as impressive. We might not be able to read the number of books that we would like. There is a measurable sacrifice that comes with parenting well, because it is a demanding calling.
3. Be quick to say yes. If we are able to say yes, we should. If our children are obeying us, and they ask a reasonable request such as finishing a chapter before bed, we should say no only if there is good reason to say no. No should not be used to merely reinforce our authority. We don’t want to exasperate our children. There will be plenty of opportunities to say no. I share this takeaway because I could see myself falling into the trap of saying no just to reinforce my authority.
4. Spank. When I picked up this book, my son was about to turn 18 months old and Justin and I were thinking through how to biblically discipline a toddler. Tedd Tripp reinforced our belief that we would be harming our child if we did not spank him. His book includes a detailed list of how to properly go about spanking, which we now have posted on the fridge in shortened form. It’s our cheat sheet (novice spankers need help!). The most important point Tripp makes here is that spanking must never be done out of anger. Rather, it is done because we represent God as the authority in our children’s lives, and we must bring them back in line with his will.
5. Raising believers. Our parenting goal cannot be good behavior. If we focus on good behavior and manners, then we raise little manipulators who use their good behavior to get what they selfishly desire. This was an eye opening point for me. We must show our children more than the “what” of their sin and failure, we must bring them to a place of being able to recognize the “why”, the darkness of their hearts and their need for a Savior.
6. Selfishness. Do not excuse selfishness as being a result of your child’s immaturity or young age. Selfishness will not be outgrown, it is an idol of a child’s heart that will grow and flourish if it goes unaddressed.
7. What not to do. Tripp has a very convicting and insightful list of unbiblical ways to change a child’s behavior. The two that caught my attention were: 1) rewarding good behavior (“I reject the notion that children should be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities…the heart is trained to greedy self-interest and obtaining rewards.”), and 2) appealing to your child’s emotions in order to get them to obey (this misses the heart, and gets them to obey because you have expressed that they have hurt your feelings or made you feel ashamed). Wow, I could see myself falling into these traps without even realizing it until years later. I am grateful for the warning.
8. Extracurricular activities. The one main thing that I disagreed with in the book was Tripp’s take on extracurricular activities (p. 50). He states that they promote self-love and that families should partake in these types of activities together, rather than each family member going his own way. I believe that these types of activities (sports teams, dance classes, music classes, etc.) can be very healthy outlets for youth, and don’t have to be done with family members in order to be beneficial. Extracurricular activities were immensely important in my upbringing, and I don’t believe that they bred self-love but rather that they taught me how to work hard, face challenges, push myself, and collaborate with others.
9. Toddler Parenting. In the one month of toddler parenting I’ve experienced after reading this book, I’ve been wrestling with how to handle my son’s interactions with other children. When two children are fighting over a toy, the default reaction of most parents (as well as myself) is to figure out who had it first and to restore the toy to that person. Is this “Who had it first?” mentality what we want to teach our children? Do we want them to see the world from possessive eyes, trying to figure out what belongs to whom? I’m realizing that this seemingly just approach to toddler tiffs misses the point that we are to shepherd our children’s hearts, not just their actions. But I’m not sure of the best approach. What I’ve found myself now doing is intentionally making light of these situations, and trying to show my son that it doesn’t matter if someone is playing with his toy or even snatches his toy from his hands. Any pointers for me?
10. Teenagers. “Respectful teenagers are developed when they are 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, not at 13, 14, 15, or 16.” This quote greatly encouraged me to pull up my bootstraps and not take short cuts in my parenting, because hard work will pay off. Even when it involves the first spanking ever, which actually happened tonight.
-TB
I found this post extremely thought-provoking and helpful. I am not a mother yet (heck, there’s not even a father in sight!), but I one day hope to be. I found #5 (Raising Believers) to be so relevant not only to raising children, but to evangelism in general! So often we want to create good “moral people”, but without first addressing the sinful heart, the behavior is synthesized. It is like putting the cart before the horse.
Thanks for sharing, Tay. I hope to read the book some day.
Hey Taylor: great post! Especially the teenage quote. I’m always telling young parents that your toddler will pretty much tell you what your teenager will be like! Parents can’t wait to parent their kid when they are 13!
Thanks for posting this Taylor. I have not read the book, so I apologise if I get things a bit off. I was intrigued by your comments regarding extra curricular activities. I agree that these activities can be a great outlet for children. I also realise that not all children are gifted in the same way, so to require them all to take dance, for example, because one child is gifted there is somewhat unreasonable.
However, I think the critique that Tripp offers is a good one. All too often our families are split as one child goes one way and another somewhere else, and the third still somewhere else. Families are so busy doing these activities that they do not have time for each other.
Perhaps a way to do these activities together is not to have them all participating in the activities, but the whole family taking an interest in what the members are doing. The whole family could go to every baseball game for the one child, and every soccer game of the other, and every dance performance of the other. I know this could make schedules even more hectic but maybe some of the business should be limited anyway?
Just some thoughts. Thanks again for the post.
Mrs. Buzzard,
I was glad to see that you have read and are recommending Tedd Tripp’s book. I was trained and mentored to be a pastor by Tedd, and there has been beautiful fruit in my ministry and my family as a result.
Pastor Chad is right about the big idea Tedd is getting at with extracurricular activities. His main point is not that they are bad in themselves, but that they can very easily prevent parents from giving the time and energy needed to raise their children. Sometimes, a sport or a lesson is exactly what a kid needs to learn discipline, humility, etc.
As a father of four sons (and another due on Saturday!), I have found this book invaluable.
One other comment: I have found that parents sometimes focus on only one aspect of Tedd’s book at a time. I would encourage all who read it to remember that, even though we do want to get past the behavior to the heart, we still must address the behavior of our kids. Tedd says this clearly, but I have seen people miss it. I have seen others swing to the other side of focusing only on spanking. Be sure to get the whole picture.
Also, I have known many young parents who, after reading Tedd’s book, try to have long conversations with their toddlers about the deep motivations of their hearts. This doesn’t work! Remember, as Tedd rightly says, the main thing with toddlers is to teach them to obey immediately, without question, and without complaint. After you teach them that for five or six years, you will have laid a good foundation for the heart stuff.
Tedd’s newest book is out now: “Instructing a Child’s Heart.” It’s on formative discipline. I haven’t read it yet, but I have heard the material many times and it is excellent.
Good stuff Taylor.
Joanna is for spanking and I’m against spanking. I’m still thinking about it so we will see when we have children.
I guess I just feel like there are creative ways to discipline a child without physical pain. The scripture that says “he who withholds the rod from his son hates his son” I don’t believe has to be an actual rod. The rod can be consequence. It doesn’t mean I have to have my child cower before me when they’ve done wrong.
I think you can spank a child and do it right and have a child come out fine. I was spanked and I don’t harbor resentment. I’m just not sure I want to go that route. People keep telling me I’m dreaming… we’ll see I suppose.
Taylor, I think on #8 extra curricular it’s probably all about balance. You’re prob right and Tripp is probably right at the same time.
Intriguing observations, Taylor, and great follow-up from others. Now I can’t wait to read the book!
I thought this was a really good post. I admire Trip quite a bit with this book and it has been helpful in my parenting experience to say the least. My daughter is 16 months old but is starting to exhibit quite a will and I’d rather deal with it now than when she becomes a teenager.
Also, I have to agree with Tripp’s take on spanking. I think spanking can be a good form of discipline on a young child if it is done right. He gives a correct way of spanking, which many other pro-spanking books don’t. I was spanked as a kid as well and I turned out just fine.
HI honey…..was helpful reading how you feel about parenting…it IS hard work and you cannot take shortcuts..one can’t get lazy about discipline…..it is so easy not to be consistant. I’ll get the book. I am looking forward to being the loving, and consistant Grandmother to Cru…(Grandpa Taylor calls him “Cruise” half the time!) Love, Gigi
Thanks for your insightful post, Taylor. I’m eager to get my hands on this book now!
Great post Taylor!! I actually started reading the book last month even though I know I have some time. I’m only on like Ch. 3 but LOVE it!! Thanks for taking the time to post such an important issue of parenting. I’m excited to get to your wisdom and encourgement as you are walking through parenting prior to me.
I disagree with “I was spanked and turned out just fine.” Don’t we want our children to turn out better than “just fine?” I have never spanked my children (now age 8 and 2) once, and they are the most obedient, well-mannered kids you’ll ever find — and not scared of mama or violent at school. On the other hand, the kids that were and are spanked are often in trouble for hitting other children, or doing things sneakily when their parents aren’t around.
I do things for the Lord out of love, not fear, and I want to model that for my children as well. I believe spanking irrevocably scars a child’s heart, if not his backside. Spanking, even in a “loving” way, gives rise to some strange, unwholesome perversities. Go ahead, google spanking and sex. Are those people also “just fine?” It’s a game of roulette that we’re playing with our children.
And I am sorry, but Tripp is wrong about selfishness. That “me-first” attitude is just part of the developmental process for little kids. They do outgrow it. They don’t rationalize the way we do, just like you can’t expect them to add two and two. Expecting grown-up behavior from children is a sure way to face disappointment.
Tanya,
The proclamation about your children being, “the most obedient, well-mannered kids you’ll ever find” I suppose is somewhat biased? What troubles me most about your post is that it seems you have an unbiblical position on “selfishness”. If you truly do things for the Lord out of love then correctly dividing the word of God should be one of your highest priorities. Nowhere in Scripture do we find that a “Me-first” attitude being merely a developmental process for children. The truth is that selfishness is in the heart of every human. Only by the blood of Christ, who by grace through faith -washes clean the sinful and wretched sinner can a person TRULY become UN-selfish.
Proverbs 22:15
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
Why won’t you address the “sexual perversities” that Tanya references in her above post?
Since you’re promoting spanking, what is your answer to those who have been permanently harmed by the practice and who will never have a normal sex life?
It enrages me that Christians go on promoting spanking while the sexually wounded victims of this practice limp along in secrecy, fear and shame.
Your promotion of this kind of spanking is a direct violation of scripture that forbids you from causing a brother to stumble, whether that “brother” is your child who may have a weakness for this fetish, or a person who is already harmed and may be stimulated or hurt by your ongoing promotion of child spanking.
Are you going to delete my comment now?
Tripp advocates hitting 8 month old infants. Also, he advocates pulling the child’s pants down and hitting them, which is perversion.
After reading passages from the book, we decided that it was pure filth, and we won’t have it in our home.
Just because someone is a “Christian” doesn’t mean you should follow his instructions. Yet, all the time I see Christians blindly following anyone else who claims to be a Christian.