A Conversation at the Park
A guest post from Taylor Buzzard:
I present you with another one of those once-in-a-blue-moon, sporadic posts from me, Justin’s wife!
Today I was at one of the parks in our city. I struck up a conversation with another mother while our young sons played on the slide. She shared with me that she is a school teacher, and that being separated from her son caused her to cry every morning for the first six months of the school year. Now it is summertime, and she is overjoyed to spend every day with her 12 month-old.
She looked at me and said with a bit of longing in her voice, “Do you get to stay home?” I replied, “Yes, I get to stay home with my boys, I’m very grateful. But, well, you know, actually, it’s probably more accurate to say, I choose to stay home. My family lives in a small 2 bedroom condo without a yard. So the trade-off is obvious. But I wouldn’t change my situation for anything.”
I seem to get into this type of conversation semi-regularly. Whether it is someone saying, “We both have to work, there isn’t an option,” or, “I’m so jealous that you get to stay home,” I do my best to gently and humbly correct them. Yes, I am privileged to stay home to raise my children. And, yes, you probably have an option.
In most instances, two full-time incomes are not mandatory. What it primarily comes down to is lifestyle. In America, we are bred to live beyond our means. We are almost brainwashed to believe that children must be raised in a large home, with an expansive yard, with 2 luxury vehicles, with the gamut of extracurricular activities available to them, with a private university tuition covered; and if we don’t provide the aforementioned amenities, we are depriving our children.
But, wait, is it really deprivation not to provide these things to my children? If I re-entered the workforce full-time, we would be better positioned to provide the American-dream upbringing for our children. But, what would the cost be? Everything has a cost, as one of my pastors, Mark Mitchell, recently taught the twentysomethings of our church. The cost to my young children would be spending the majority of their time without either parent in their most formative, impressionable years. I physically carried these children in my womb, and I want to carry them, literally and figuratively, through their childhood years as well.
I am aware that this article taps into a controversial topic, and I understand and respect the fact that in some instances there truly is not an option to be home with your children. But, we must remember that in most cases, it truly is a choice that we are making. And might we make that choice with full understanding of the cost at hand.
i love that…i am a single parent…i am off on temorary disability…i am so greatful for this recovery time off…especially because i get to spend time at home with my young son…
its kinda scary to think my son is being raised by people i hardly know …so i can go to work to provide for us…i also know its a gift and a privalage to have a job and to be able to provide
choices…attitudes…and priorities…
thanks for your message…keep up the healthy choices…
So well stated, Taylor! I agree 100%. I find myself in park conversations like that quite often too, and I’m always praying that I can explain our lifestyle choice with grace and truth. I want to remember to emphasize that I “choose” to stay home, and that comes at a cost. Thanks for the ever-thoughtful blog posts ~ keep ‘em coming!
Taylor, I want to tell you how much I appreciate this post. I see you. Almost every day. I know your boys and I see how you pour into them, laugh with them, and enjoy their company. It smells strongly of Jesus when I see you sacrificing for them, but also delighting in them. I think that it’s true that this is a HOT topic these days, especially in the Bay Area, but even for those who don’t seek to follow and display the complimentary gender roles of the Bible, the proof is in the pudding! I hear ladies talk about this stuff all the time at work. They miss their children but it’s almost as if they don’t see any other option (of standard of living, etc). I could see myself falling into that groove of thinking.
I read an article the other day written by a mom, speaking to single gals. It was a “things I wish I had done” kind of thing. One of the big ones she said was to not be a stranger to economic living, and to start off living on one income when you get married. Interesting stuff. As a single 20something, I am really thinking about this stuff now, trying to plan accordingly, trying to “buy a vineyard” and get creative so that I can do my family good later through enterprising pursuits from the home while caring for a family. Well, at least that is the idea- who knows!
Good word Taylor!
I could not agree more. In MOST cases (of course there are exceptions to this), staying home truly is a choice. I believed I didn’t have a choice when I first had my son, and went back to work as a teacher, crying every day and missing my son terribly. Worse yet, when I did finally drag myself home in the afternoon, I would not have very much physically or emotionally to give my 6-month old son, let alone my husband or helping take care of my home. After much prayer and seeking advice from trusted friends and family, we stepped out in faith, trusting that home is where God wanted me to be and trusting that He would help us find a way to meet our needs.
We had to restructure our finances quite a bit, but God has provided in insane ways for us. There are months where we don’t know how we will, but by God’s grace and provision, we miraculously pay all our bills and eat more than just Top Ramen. Do we go out to eat like we used to? No. Do we go to the movies and have the nice cable package? No. Do I clip coupons like mad and budget like never before? Yep. And with all that, I wouldn’t change a thing in my life. I cherish the time I have to pour into my young son and soon his sibling, and I cannot express the amount of gratitude and respect I have for my incredibly hard-working husband who makes my life possible. Staying home with my kids is a privilege and honor, and a job I don’t want to trust to anyone else. God has given me the gift of my children and I want to appreciate that gift as much as possible.
Beautifully written, clear and simple, and yes, in my opinion, you are correct, it is a choice people make. The only minor quarrel I would make is that actual earning power has gone down, so often the two salaries of the present are now equivalent to the one of the past. But it is true htat in the American middle class, it remains your choice how much you want to work and how much you want to ‘mother’.
Taylor, I couldn’t agree more with your words. It is a trade off. I worked with my first child thinking I had to. It was heartbreaking for me to be away from him. When I had my second child I knew I wanted to stay home so as a family we made the necessary sacrifices. I am happier at home and my kids are both happier to have me home.
Thank you for such a well worded post on this subject.
Taylor, I couldn’t agree with you more. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom for the past 7 years. The trade offs are definitely present, but for us a no brainier. The first step is choosing to stay home when they are under 5, but there is a second wave when your youngest can go off to kindergarten. Choosing to remain a stay at home mom can be even more controversial. Best wishes to all the moms here as you make these tough decisions!!
Taylor, thank you for speaking to this issue the way you have — you’re right, our American addiction to excess is right at the root of it.
But more importantly, I want to thank you for being gentle in your conversations with moms who have made a different choice, regardless of their reason for doing so. I’ve long believed that what we need as women is one another’s support, rather than the unfortunate competition for Who’s a Better Mom that tends to arise in some circles when this question comes up.
I say this as the mom of a grown child. I’ve watched this sad situation for over two decades, and have seen it from both sides of the working/staying at home fence.
Couldn’t agree more, very well stated!!!
It is a choice of lifestyle…we are struggling but ultimately we are thriving as a family unit.
I’ve got friends who according to wordly standards ‘have it all’ yet lack the time with their children….and for what – stuff that don’t keep in the long run anyway. What’s the point??? They are the ones missing out…not my family….even with our 10+ yr old car or our unfinished home with college funiture. We have something as a family you can’t put a price on ~ a bond.
