The Pastor’s Wife
A helpful post from Mark Driscoll on the unique challenges a pastor’s wife faces:
The truth is, the Bible has no office or job description called “pastor’s wife.” This is because the pastor’s wife is simply to be a Christian church member like everyone else. Her first priorities are to be a godly woman, godly wife, and then godly mother, after which all other duties fall. If she is busy with her family and the ministry she and her husband have, to their children, and the guests they entertain, her plate is more than full. If she desires to use certain gifts to serve in the church and she and her husband think it’s a good idea, then that is fine, but not to be expected. Perhaps, as her children grow up, she may have more time to be involved in more ministry, if that is what she and her husband desire and feel called to.
Like this article. We’ve seen this exact scenario in our other churches. I’d better go return the jelly-of-the-month club membership I bought you ASAP.
What if the “pastor’s wife” feels called to a profession? What if she wants to have a job? Defining a woman in relation to her husband’s job title feels at best antiquated, and at worst an oppressive gender-roled straight-jacket. Attending to her ministry of entertaining guests? Is she allowed to speak while she serves up hot and tasty h’orderves? I’ll quit with the unsavory sarcasm, which I realize is not amenable to a civilized dialogue. But seriously, what if a married woman wants her ministry to happen while she makes lots of money working at Microsoft? To bind a woman economically to her “partner” and then communally pressure her to trade passionate vocation for aprons and vacuums (as an aside, I understand and support a couple’s mutual decision for a woman to stay home and manage a family if that arrangement is best. I just am curious that it still feels so culturally crazy to imagine a man doing the same thing), and then to sanction it Biblically, can create an asymmetrical power context for abusive harm and loss of self. This, of course, is a worst case scenario, but it is a scenario that is far more common than anyone, particularly in the church, seems willing to consider. I am a believer in the beauty of soul-level gender realities, and that both members of a marriage bear the image of God and glorify God both individually and in the complementary charateristics and gifts they bring to the union. As a psychologist, I am also aware of the key role a woman plays in literally forming her children, particularly in the early years, through adequate nurture and responsiveness. I can simply no longer condone culturally-bound systems of rules and expectations that keep a man secure in his place behind the powerful pulpit and a woman hidden in the home. If that is the mutually-agreed upon arrangement for the family and all members can be fully themselves within it, then blessings be upon it. It is the rigid system I have a problem with.
Who knew I would become a feminist?
Campbell,
I can’t help but think that you may have missed the main point of the article. No where in there do I see that particular article stating that the women need to remain “hidden in the home” and/or “giving up their passions for a vacuum and apron.”
It’s simply addressing some of the potential harmful and unseen consequences of being married to a Pastor. If anything, it’s helping raise awareness to the congregation & Pastor/Husband of what a pastor’s wife (regardless of profession) goes through. I take it as the article is aiming at making sure that the Pastor himself is attempting to safe guard his wife, and ultimately his primary ministry – his family.
Regardless or not the woman works in the corporate world, fast food joint, or at home with the kids, the points that are addressed in the article apply. Whether or not the woman works, on Sundays she is alone with the family. Whether or not she works, other women want their time thinking they can gain influence via proxy (i.e. leeching the life out of her). Regardless if the wife works or not, these problems will exist. If anything, if the woman works, these practical ways to serve the Pastors family would be even more beneficial. As addressing these issues would help protect not only her time, but as well as his time with the family (in regards to the holiday, weekends, vacations section).
As you mentioned being a psychologist and agreeing in the important role women play as caregivers, I would assume you would support these ideas of helping the caregiver. These suggestions are to help make sure the wife has enough to pour out and take care of the kids and family – so they’re not zapped and kept from playing that important role. So why would an article trying to empower and encourage them be seen as such a negative thing?
Just my two cents….
Thanks Justin for posting this thought provoking excerpt from Mark Driscoll. I was a Pastor’s wife for 20 years, where my husband was Executive Pastor of two large churches. It was lovely to hear Mark’s empathy, understanding, and protection for Pastor’s wives. I thnk any time we can understand the unique challenges we all face, it helps us to meet the needs of others…especially those who are in a different role than we. My experience was quite different from the typical Pastor’s wife of a smaller church. Having many Pastors on staff, as well as my husband not being the Senior Pastor took a lot of pressure off of me. In addition, I had just recently gotten my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, and had my own identity as a Marriage and Family Counselor. I was more often asked to teach parenting, relationship, and women’s classes…and fortunately that was something I loved to do…so for me it was a good match. Overall, I felt blessed by the people my husband and I ministered to. I think the most important thing that both a Pastor and his wife can do to protect their marriage, family, and overall well-bring is to finely develop the ability to say “no”. Without the ability to set boundaries, the Pastor and his wife will be vulnerable to the pressure, influences, and whims of others. It is our responsibility to figure out how much we can give without resentment, instead of giving too much…and then blaming others for taking advantage of us.
The Pastor’s wife who has a husband who thinks about her welfare and her needs above what she can do for his ministry is a very blessed woman.