In a tepid economy, people look to save money however they can. One strategy? Not having kids. After hitting a high of 4.3 million in 2007, U.S. births tumbled, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, to about 4 million in 2010.

It makes sense. Each year, the U.S. Department of Agriculture produces a study calculating how much it costs to raise a child to age 18. In 2010, the price tag was $226,920 — curiously close to the U.S. median house price ($221,800). Given how vexing housing has been, families are understandably wary of adding similarly-priced babies to the mix.

But a closer look at these numbers shows that the real sticker shock happens when you have the first kid — something the vast majority of couples do. After that, the marginal costs decline considerably, to the point where the third kid — the one most families don’t have — is downright cheap. That’s good news for would-be bigger families because, despite vague talk of overpopulation as this planet crossed 7 billion inhabitants in October, Americans tend to undershoot, not overshoot, their preferred family size.

In generations past, there was far less talk about “compatibility” and finding the ideal soul-mate. Today we are looking for someone who accepts us as we are and fulfills our desires, and this creates an unrealistic set of expectations that frustrates both the searchers and the searched for.

In John Tierney’s classic humor article “Picky, Picky, Picky” he tries nobly to get us to laugh at the impossible situation our culture has put us in. He recounts many of the reasons his single friends told him they had given up on their recent relationships:

“She mispronounced ‘Goethe.’”
“How could I take him seriously after seeing The Road Less Traveled on his bookshelf?”
“If she would just lose seven pounds.”
“Sure, he’s a partner, but it’s not a big firm. And he wears those short black socks.”
“Well, it started out great … beautiful face, great body, nice smile. Everything was going fine—until she turned around.” He paused ominously and shook his head. ”… She had dirty elbows.”

In other words, some people in our culture want too much out of a marriage partner. They do not see marriage as two flawed people coming together to create a space of stability, love and consolation, a “haven in a heartless world,” as Christopher Lasch describes it. Rather, they are looking for someone who will accept them as they are, complement their abilities and fulfill their sexual and emotional desires. This will indeed require a woman who is “a novelist/astronaut with a background in fashion modeling,” and the equivalent in a man. A marriage based not on self-denial but on self-fulfillment will require a low- or no-maintenance partner who meets your needs while making almost no claims on you. Simply put—today people are asking far too much in the marriage partner.

Dr. Robert H. Mounce, president emeritus of Whitworth College, has served as an important biblical commentator (especially on the book of Revelation in the NICNT series) and as a Bible translator (involved early on in the translation of the NIV and serving on the translation committee of the ESV—where he served with his son Bill, author of the widely used Basics of Biblical Greek Grammar).

A filmmaker was recently able to capture a brief snapshot of Dr. Mounce as he cares for his beloved wife through her extended illness. Dr. Mounce will be 90 at the end of the year, and his wife is 91.

This is what love and faithfulness looks like:

Any two people who enter into marriage are spiritually broken by sin, which among other things means to be self-centered…That is why a good marriage is more painfully hard to achieve than athletic or artistic prowess. Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature? Indeed, many people who have mastered athletics and art have failed miserably at marriage. So the Biblical doctrine of sin explains why marriage–more than anything else that is good and important in this fallen world–is so painful and hard. -Tim and Kathy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage pp. 40-41

I love this new picture of my three mischievous sons. Their eyes say it all.

After Jesus and my wife, my greatest joy is in my three sons.

Today my middle son, Hudson, turns 3.

Tomorrow my youngest son, Gus, turns 1.

In a few weeks my oldest son, Cru, turns 5.

My three sons are a gift I don’t take for granted. I love them so much. A huge chunk of my time and energy every day goes to loving, leading, enjoying, training, and wrestling these three little guys. Our home is full of so much testosterone, play, laughter, and non-stop care-giving. My wife and I love it. The time is already going by so fast.

I think the greatest ministry in my life has nothing to do with church planting or writing or speaking, but with these three boys.

    Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
(Psalm 127:3-5 ESV)

Lately I’ve been talking to my two older sons (4 and 2 years old) a lot about marriage. I have many years to teach them, but I’m starting now to catechize them on how to think about their future. My boys have memorized three things they need to do to prepare for marriage. If a stranger asked them about this, my two year-old could rattle off this list with enthusiasm. What I tell my two year-old is the same thing I tell men in their twenties and thirties.

1. Love Jesus

2. Have a Job

3. Pick a Girl Who Loves Jesus

Photo: A lake in New England.

Your kids will fail. This is both inevitable and also necessary. Apparently not many parents today want to hear this uncomfortable fact. And they certainly don’t want to implement it in how they discipline their children. Writing the cover story for The Atlantic’s July/August issue, therapist Lori Gottlieb alerts us that the cult of self-esteem is ruining our kids. Convinced they are the center of the universe and capable of anything, our children have become insufferable narcissists. Then, when these kids grow up and fail, as they must, they head for the nearest therapist, worried their lives have gone horribly wrong. Gottlieb writes:

[R]ates of anxiety and depression have also risen in tandem with self-esteem. Why is this? “Narcissists are happy when they’re younger, because they’re the center of the universe,” [psychology professor Jean] Twenge explains. “Their parents act like their servants, shuttling them to any activity they choose and catering to their every desire. Parents are constantly telling their children how special and talented they are. This gives them an inflated view of their specialness compared to other human beings. Instead of feeling good about themselves, they feel better than everyone else.”

As you might expect, this attitude wreaks havoc in the real world of adulthood.

…If you don’t teach them that Christians sometimes fail, then they’ll conclude Christianity has failed. But by the grace of God they’ll add to the numbers of bitter adults who grew up in the church and rail against its destructive influence. Yet when they see us fail, repent, and ask God’s forgiveness, they’ll see in action the most glorious truth of all, that God himself took on flesh and walked among us, failures all, so we might walk with him in heaven forevermore. They’ll know that when they fail, too, God’s grace abounds to even the chief of sinners.

I’d like you to put your idea in my book.

The Appendix to Date Your Wife will include 100 ideas for how a husband can date his wife. I’ve written the first 50 of these ideas, you can help write the final 50 ideas.

If you have a good date idea, share it in the comments section and, if I like it, it will make it into the book.

Before you share your idea, make sure you understand what this book is really about. This isn’t a book about simply taking your wife on a weekly date night and buying her roses so you can check “date my wife” off of your weekly to-do list. This book summons men to a comprehensive mission of loving and serving their wives in such a way that their wives flourish and thrive. It’s a call for men to come to terms with how Jesus has pursued them so that they can pursue their wives in the same gospel-powered way.

So, your ideas should center on what will cause a wife to flourish and thrive.

Instructions:

-Share your idea in the comments section.

-Include your name, city, age, and gender (women, I really want you to share your ideas too, this isn’t just for men).

-Keep it short. I will only consider clearly written ideas that are 1-3 sentences in length.

A post from Justin Taylor summarizing from a post by Kevin DeYoung on parenting:

Kevin DeYoung gives a fairly typical example of what gospel-centered attempts at parenting can look like in action:

Me: What’s the matter son?
Child: I want that toy and he won’t give it to me!
Me: Why do you want the toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What’s going on in your heart when you desire that toy?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Think about it son. Use your brain. Don’t you know something?
Child: I guess I just want the toy.
Me: Obviously. But why?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: Fine. [Mental note: abandon "why" questions and skip straight to leading questions.] Do you think he is having fun playing with the toy right now?
Child: No.
Me: Really?! He’s not having fun? Then why does he want that toy in the first place?
Child: Because he’s mean.
Me: Have you ever considered that maybe you are being mean by trying to rip the toy from his quivering little hands?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: What do you know?
Child: I don’t know!
Me: Nevermind. [I wonder how my brilliant child can know absolutely nothing at this moment.] Well, I think taking the toy from him will make your brother sad. Do you like to make him sad?
Child: I don’t know.
Me: [Audible sigh.]
Child: He makes me sad all the time!
Me: Well, I’m getting sad right now with your attitude! [Pause, think, what would Paul Tripp do?  Thinking . . .  thinking . . . Man, I can't stop thinking of that mustache. This isn't working. Let's just go right to the Jesus part.] You know, Jesus wants us to love each other.
Child: I don’t know.
Me: I didn’t ask you a question!
Child: [Pause.] Can I have some fruit snacks?
Me: No, you can’t have fruit snacks. We are talking about the gospel. Jesus loves us and died for us. He wants you to love your brother too.
Child: So?
Me: So give him the toy back!

Then I lunge for the toy and the child runs away. I tell him to come back here this instant and threaten to throw the toy in the trash. I recommit myself to turning down speaking engagements on parenting.

Read the whole post, which is encouraging. A couple of lines that stood out: the quip cited by Alistair Begg: “When I was young I had six theories and no kids. Now I have six kids and no theories.” And from Kevin’s church secretary: “Most moms and dads think they are either the best or the worst parents around, and both are wrong.”

Here is Kevin’s upshot:

I just know that the longer I parent the more I want to focus on doing a few things really well, and not get too passionate about all the rest. I want to spend time with my kids, teach them the Bible, take them to church, laugh with them, cry with them, discipline them when they disobey, say sorry when I mess up, and pray like crazy. I want them to look back and think, “I’m not sure what my parents were doing or if they even knew what they’re were doing. But I always knew my parents loved me and I knew they loved Jesus.” Maybe it’s not that complicated after all.

And while we’re on the subject of parenting kids with the flavor of the gospel, let me again recommend the new book from Crossway, Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus, by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.

This is a guest post by Taylor Buzzard:

I wanted to take a moment to share something that God has been reminding me of lately. Hopefully this truth will encourage parents out there.

The simple truth is this: children don’t need our money.

Children need our time, our touch, our teaching, our attention, our interaction, our encouragement and discipline. But, children don’t need our money. Sure, they need us to buy them food, clothes, and health insurance. But they don’t need the extras that we feel the pressure to tack on in order to be an adequate parent. Our children certainly benefit from our money: a class can teach them a new skill, a trip to an amusement park can give them fun memories, a costly birthday party will probably be a lot of fun. But, they don’t need it. They don’t need the hoopla that we so often turn life into. What your child needs is you, not your money.

Another truth the Lord has been opening my eyes to is how malleable children are. God essentially gives us a clean slate child, and hands us the chalk. The parents get first dibs to write on the blackboard. Our children come equipped with a fully functional sin nature, but the slate of their perceptions and understanding is blank. That means that we define what fun is. We define what celebration looks like. We define what vacation is. And we define whether those occasions require big price tags, or don’t. Wield this power! If you don’t take up the chalk and write, the consumer culture of our day will do the writing for you. And I don’t think you’ll like the result.

I hope that this reminder will relieve some of the financial pressure that parents out there might be feeling. Your children don’t need your money. What they need is you.

Touch your child. Converse with your child. Hold your child. Wrestle with your child. Write biblical truth and wisdom on their blackboards. And remember that, oftentimes, money just complicates and spoils things.

I am a little more than 1/3rd of the way through writing Date Your Wife. Many of you must be praying for this project because the writing is going great. It’s hard work, but it’s also a lot of fun. I only grow more passionate about the message of this book with each chapter I write. Please keep praying for me as I write. The completed manuscript is due to Crossway in 10 weeks.

As I move forward in my writing I want to know what you want to see in a book like this.

MEN/HUSBANDS, what do you want to gain from reading a book like this? What would you want to learn?

WOMEN/WIVES, what would you put in this book? What do you want men to read about in this book?

The only way that your children will grow beyond their dependency into self-sufficient adults is for you to essentially abandon your own independence for twenty years or so…You can make the sacrifice, or they’re going to make the sacrifice. It’s them or you. Either you suffer temporarily and in a redemptive way, or they’re going to suffer tragically, in a wasteful and destructive way. -Tim Keller, King’s Cross