The Gospel & David Brainerd

There's something about how I'm wired that makes it very, very difficult for me to not read a book all the way through. If I start reading a book, 97% of the time I will read that book all the way through to the last page. I just feel funny if I don't finish. One of my quirks I guess.But, 120 pages into the 380 page Life and Diary of David Brainerd, I'm putting this book back on my shelf as an incomplete read. I'd been looking forward to reading this book for several years now because of what I knew about Brainerd (1718-1747). I knew that Brainerd was remembered for his God-saturated worldview, his endurance through intense physical ailments and crushing depression, his friendship with Jonathan Edwards (one of my heroes), and his early death at age 29 (one year older than me).But, I'm simply growing tired of reading Brainerd's famous journal because over and over again Brainerd refuses to rest in the unchanging promises of the gospel and instead seeks solace in his constantly changing spiritual performance. Theologically, Brainerd was as reformed and gospel-centered as they come. But, functionally, day in and day out, it appears that Brainerd often lived a life centered on his sanctification (personal holiness) rather than his justification (unchanging right standing with God through Christ).Perhaps another reason I'm putting the book down is because Brainerd's wild fluctuations, guilt beatings, and unhealthy/over-done introspection remind me of how I've mistakenly related to God in the past. Indeed, Brainerd's diary reads like the diary of my own heart when I stray from the gospel and mistakenly try and deal with God on the basis of my performance rather than Christ's performance. That gets tiring. That's a waste of time. That mocks the glory and sufficiency of our Savior. And so, I'm putting the book down.I know many have profited a great deal from reading Brainerd, so maybe I'm missing something here. Maybe the second half of the book gets better/more gospel-driven.Finally, someone far wiser than I (John Piper) has written/spoken some great words on Brainerd here.