The Most Humiliating Thing I've Ever Done

For some time now I've thought it would be beneficial for me to read through all my old journals. I've thought this would be a rich exercise in discipleship--helping me seed God's grace in my life and praise him for how he has changed me over the years.Last week I finally got around to digging my old journals out of storage. It turns out that I have 14 journals. My first journal entry was made over 12 years ago: on January 22, 1995 when I was 16 years old, a junior in high school. I've now re-read several of these journals (I'm up to age 21) and what I have to report is that this is the most humiliating thing I've ever done. I mean it. It is comprehensively humiliating to read my old journal entries. And for this I am thankful.The word "humiliation" stems from the word "humility." To be humiliated is to be humbled. And as I've read these old journals and gotten re-acquainted with what kind of a guy I was at age 16, 17, 18, 19, etc., I've been immensely humiliated--immensely humbled. And from this humbled posture I've been able to spot evidence, upon evidence, upon evidence of God's provision, grace, and kindness in my life.Check it out.I began with my January 22, 1995 entry and just a few pages in to this first journal it's crystal clear that, though I came to repentance and faith in Christ as a young boy, I'm living my high school years as an exact replica of the prodigal elder brother. I'm self righteous, I don't understand the gospel, I'm a worrier, I'm a hypocrite, I seem to equate Christianity with moralism, I'm selfish, I'm eager to avoid external sins, yet quick to justify internal sins, and, I'll say it again, I simply don't understand the good news of the gospel. I live and process life under the logic that if I obey God he will accept me, rather than the logic of the Bible: God has accepted me through the work of his Son, therefore the Holy Spirit will enable me to obey in gratitude and joy.What is even more humiliating is to read about how, in my latter college years, I begin to really grasp grace for the first time. Why is this humiliating? Because I didn't grasp grace, grace grasped me.As I read these old, inked pages I was brought to my knees. As I read I kept thinking to myself how kind God has been to change a man like me. I have much sanctification to undergo yet and 12 years from now I'll probably laugh at today's journal, but oh man, how far God has brought me since January 22, 1995! As I trace the storyline of my life from January 22, 1995 I see thousands (I mean this number literally) of ways God has shown me mercy, answered prayer, worked a wise providence, used me despite my failings, and achieved glory for himself through my little life.If journals are nothing more than records of our humiliation and God's grace, then I'm all for another 12 years and another 14 journals.