Tedd Tripp, Shepherding a Child's Heart

A guest post by Taylor Buzzard:I’m back.Thank you for all of the encouraging comments that you left in response to my first post. I will now, as promised, offer some thoughts on Tedd Tripp’s must-read parenting book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart. When I read this book last month, I didn’t read it with the possibility in mind of writing an article. So this afternoon I went back through the book, checking out what I had underlined, and creating a list of possible points to highlight. Well, this speedy perusal left me even further convinced of the excellence of this book!The amount of truth and challenging instruction that Tripp was able to pack into his small book is simply impressive. Please do not make the mistake of taking this brief article as a replacement for reading the book. If you are a parent, a grandparent, or are in any way involved in caring for children, get your hands on this book. Below, I am going to hit on my Top Ten Takeaways. Please comment if you would like to offer further insight or possible critique of the points that I found most helpful and convicting—and definitely share your own takeaways from the book.Top Ten Takeaways from Shepherding a Child’s Heart:1. We have authority over our children as representatives of God. We direct our children on God’s behalf for their good—not from a power trip mentality or because “I told you so”, but because of God’s authority over our children’s lives and our own lives. Our tendency as parents is to shrink away from this responsibility to be the authority over our children’s lives. We are easily fooled into believing the world’s lie that to be an authority is to be unloving or unjust. And, in the short term, neglecting this responsibility is certainly easier and less demanding of our time and energy.2. There is a high cost to parenting well. Our homes might not be as beautiful. Our careers might not be as impressive. We might not be able to read the number of books that we would like. There is a measurable sacrifice that comes with parenting well, because it is a demanding calling.3. Be quick to say yes. If we are able to say yes, we should. If our children are obeying us, and they ask a reasonable request such as finishing a chapter before bed, we should say no only if there is good reason to say no. No should not be used to merely reinforce our authority. We don’t want to exasperate our children. There will be plenty of opportunities to say no. I share this takeaway because I could see myself falling into the trap of saying no just to reinforce my authority.4. Spank. When I picked up this book, my son was about to turn 18 months old and Justin and I were thinking through how to biblically discipline a toddler. Tedd Tripp reinforced our belief that we would be harming our child if we did not spank him. His book includes a detailed list of how to properly go about spanking, which we now have posted on the fridge in shortened form. It’s our cheat sheet (novice spankers need help!). The most important point Tripp makes here is that spanking must never be done out of anger. Rather, it is done because we represent God as the authority in our children’s lives, and we must bring them back in line with his will.5. Raising believers. Our parenting goal cannot be good behavior. If we focus on good behavior and manners, then we raise little manipulators who use their good behavior to get what they selfishly desire. This was an eye opening point for me. We must show our children more than the “what” of their sin and failure, we must bring them to a place of being able to recognize the “why”, the darkness of their hearts and their need for a Savior.6. Selfishness. Do not excuse selfishness as being a result of your child’s immaturity or young age. Selfishness will not be outgrown, it is an idol of a child’s heart that will grow and flourish if it goes unaddressed.7. What not to do. Tripp has a very convicting and insightful list of unbiblical ways to change a child’s behavior. The two that caught my attention were: 1) rewarding good behavior (“I reject the notion that children should be rewarded for fulfilling normal responsibilities…the heart is trained to greedy self-interest and obtaining rewards.”), and 2) appealing to your child’s emotions in order to get them to obey (this misses the heart, and gets them to obey because you have expressed that they have hurt your feelings or made you feel ashamed). Wow, I could see myself falling into these traps without even realizing it until years later. I am grateful for the warning.8. Extracurricular activities. The one main thing that I disagreed with in the book was Tripp’s take on extracurricular activities (p. 50). He states that they promote self-love and that families should partake in these types of activities together, rather than each family member going his own way. I believe that these types of activities (sports teams, dance classes, music classes, etc.) can be very healthy outlets for youth, and don’t have to be done with family members in order to be beneficial. Extracurricular activities were immensely important in my upbringing, and I don’t believe that they bred self-love but rather that they taught me how to work hard, face challenges, push myself, and collaborate with others.9. Toddler Parenting. In the one month of toddler parenting I’ve experienced after reading this book, I’ve been wrestling with how to handle my son’s interactions with other children. When two children are fighting over a toy, the default reaction of most parents (as well as myself) is to figure out who had it first and to restore the toy to that person. Is this “Who had it first?” mentality what we want to teach our children? Do we want them to see the world from possessive eyes, trying to figure out what belongs to whom? I’m realizing that this seemingly just approach to toddler tiffs misses the point that we are to shepherd our children’s hearts, not just their actions. But I’m not sure of the best approach. What I’ve found myself now doing is intentionally making light of these situations, and trying to show my son that it doesn’t matter if someone is playing with his toy or even snatches his toy from his hands. Any pointers for me?10. Teenagers. “Respectful teenagers are developed when they are 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5, not at 13, 14, 15, or 16.” This quote greatly encouraged me to pull up my bootstraps and not take short cuts in my parenting, because hard work will pay off. Even when it involves the first spanking ever, which actually happened tonight.-TB