The Desire or Die Manifesto

"I should _____" is the heavy voice driving our tired world and half-hearted lives. We're designed to desire, risk, and thrive, but we settle to merely survive. An existence of duty has replaced a life of delight. Your big, wild heart was swapped out for a small, tame heart that appears to pump little life, blood, or stories worth talking about. Shoulding, not desiring. Rusting, not risking. Surviving, not thriving. Playing it safe with your small shouldy God.

Men, let’s wake up!

How has most of the world missed that Christianity, that Life, is an invitation to desire? Notice the first question Jesus asked his would-be disciples: "What do you want?" (John 1:38), not "What should you do?" Desire matters to Jesus. It seems the creator of the Universe is interested in desire, in the longing of our hearts, not our shouldy should shoulds. 

Our culture relentlessly, implicitly teaches that humans are "Doers"—do this, do that, just do it. Doing isn't bad, but what's driving our doing? The deeper core of what it means to be human is to be a Lover. "To be human is to be on the move, pursuing something, after something... he [Jesus] is after nothing less than your wants, you loves, your longings" (James K.A. Smith, You Are What You Love). You are primarily a Lover, which is something larger and wilder than a Doer.

What should you do? That's the wrong question. What do you want? This is the question that will lead you out of your cage, into dangerous and flourishing places. 

Will all of your desires be healthy? No. But all the desires that you’ve buried, numbed, hidden, suppressed, been afraid of, ignored, etc. need to surface in order to fully explore, sift, sanctify, own, and reawaken your heart.

To be human is to desire. But, because desire has gone sideways within us and disappointed us, we've chosen to cover up our desire with whitewashed duties that don't trouble the heart. 

People who go to church and people who don't go to church both neuter desire, the cover up just looks different. Oftentimes the coverup is worse in the church, in communities that have tamed the New Testament into a book of religion instead of a book of good news. C.S. Lewis spoke of this loss: "The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire" (The Weight of Glory). 

Notice that Jesus, that Christianity, has nothing to say to the person who is satisfied with the way things are. Jesus came to address the ancient ache for more, for change, for justice, for transformation, for freedom, for forgiveness, for things to be better, for life to the fullest—Life as it was meant to be. Jesus summons us to "Seek (want, desire, long for and pursue) first the Kingdom of God..." (Matthew 6:33). God seeks your seeking. This is the territory that matters most to him.

Have you read the Psalms? Have you felt the Psalms? It's one big book of desire—of keeping your heart alive to God and the quest of the Kingdom in the midst of the battle, pain, temptation, and disillusionment that threatens to shut your heart down. True love doesn't come from a place of duty, it comes from a place of desire. When do you feel loved? Do you feel loved when a friend initiates spending time with you because they feel like they should, or when a friend initiates time with you because they want to be with you? The latter is the way Jesus does life and relationships. The same is true of great achievements, accomplishments, creations, and heroic endeavors: desire, not duty, does most of the driving.

Quit lying to yourself, to people, and to God. Are you really okay with the way things are? Are you really okay with your life, the condition of our world, your current influence/fruitfulness/progress in the fight against evil, and your unique and creative role in living the old prayer "your Kingdom come, your will be done as it is in heaven"? I don't believe you, plus I don't see much believable joy or good stories flowing from your face and mouth. There's more, so much more to desire and do. And, by the way, there's no such thing as prayer without desire. To pray is to desire.

Hundreds of years ago poet and pastor George Herbert wrote, "He begins to die, that quits his desires." You know this is true, you've felt the creeping death of numbing your desire. Whether you believe in God or don't believe in God, we've all been guilty of quitting our desires for an existence we can more safely manage and control. Desire isn't the problem. Desire, rightly ordered, is the solution. "Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures..." (C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory). God is after our desires! 

After a long journey with desire that first led to dark places, but eventually to freeing and flourishing places, Saint Augustine summed up the purpose of life: "Love God and do what you want." Nobody's said it better since this 4th century sentence. Augustine discovered that our passionate God seeks lovers with hearts awake to desire. God deals with the depths of us, not the surfaces of us. 

But surfaces are easier than depths. So we abandon desire. We hide, ignore, or attempt to bury our true desires and name this "maturity" or "sanctification" or "being realistic" or "growing up." But Jesus never taught us to grow up, he taught us to grow down—to become more like a child. Every kid I know is wide-awake to desire, dreams, and the life of seeking—of adventure ahead. "We abandon the most important journey of our lives when we abandon desire. We leave our hearts by the side of the road and head off in the direction of fitting in, getting by, being productive, what have you. Whatever we may gain—money, position, the approval of others, or just absence of the discontent itself—it's not worth it." (John Eldredge, The Journey of Desire). 

We're told (and we feel) that God has put eternity in our heart, the wellspring of life and desire (Ecclesiastes 3:11, Proverbs 4:23). Hence the title of this manifesto: Desire or Die. To ignore the heart is to ignore the ache for an eternal Eden, for Life eternal and abundant. Running away from desire is a run towards death. Saint Irenaeus, a 2nd century pastor and martyr, famously stated: "The glory of God is a human being fully alive." In one sentence he connects what thousands of sentences in the Bible aim to articulate: God's glory and your fullness of life are linked. 

"Should" cannot give you this fully alive Life, and "should" cannot give God this glory. A stronger fuel is needed. Desire must be awakened. God must awaken your heart. Longing is how he grows us, and gets glory.

I used to "should" all over myself and others. Then I discovered the heart of God—an invitation to live from a deeper place of desire, a more adventurous path of risk and fight, and a happier/bigger/better story of living Life to the fullest and giving Life to others. I'm far from great at this—I'm an unfinished human with a body full of sins, scars, and the old temptation of avoiding desire with layers of should. But, by the desire and grace of God, I'm now living more awake to desire and with a passion to awaken desire in others. It's not easy. This path is a battle, but a battle that's worth it all.

What do you want? Do you want to stop shoulding and start desiring? Do you want to live from your heart? Do you want to live an adventure, enjoy close friendships, fight evil, change, grow into a greatness that brings flourishing to others, and make an eternal difference with your life? The living God awakens these desires in us. He moves towards us and invites us into a journey that's not a straight line: what I call The J Curve —the thrilling, difficult, and countercultural path of waking up to our true desires and being made new by the presence and power of our big-hearted God.

Things don't have to stay the way they are. Quit shoulding, and start desiring. Quit rusting, and start risking. Quit surviving, and start thriving. Leave your cage. Quit your small shouldy god, and get to know the real, dangerous, desire-welcoming, happy, BIG God.

This is a journey. This is a long adventure that will involve ups and downs, songs of victory and laments of loss. And we don't do this alone. We'll need friends and guides, and we have an enemy to fight. But, we must start. Where to start? Ask this old and alive question from Jesus and see where it leads you: "What do you want me to do for you?" (Luke 18:41). Perhaps you also really desire to see, to leave your cage and have your eyes opened to what Jesus can show you "Lord, let me recover my sight" (Luke 18:41).

Jesus is after your desire—this is where he will meet you, disturb you, transform you, free you, become bigger and better to you, humble you, exalt you, heal you, satisfy you, and use you. Things will never be the same.

Risk or Rust! 

-Justin Buzzard